Now it gets interesting: some guy named Zorah has a barren wife who is visited by an angel proclaiming the miraculous birth of a son, a Nazarite (sounds familiar?). The resulting miracle boy Samson (more oratorios, also opera) has superpowers (neatly balancing his perspicuous lack of intelligence): for instance, one day, he slays a lion bare-handed. Passing the same spot a week later, he notices "a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase". At his wedding, he uses this image to create a riddle for his guests (the bride's family): "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness" (not much of a riddle, granted... but then, he was a bit dim). He lays down a wager, sure of winning this bet, but the guests cheat & ask the bride to entice him to give her the answer. Her amateur dramatics and crocodile tears easily play on simple Samson's twanging heartstrings, so he tells her about the lion. She swiftly passes on the information; her family technically wins the bet, but Samson gets angry, kills them all and gives away his wife to a friend (now there's a good loser). Later, when he tries to see her at her father's house, he doesn't get her back, although the father offers him another, younger, daughter instead (women really were just cattle in those days). Samson, pissed at being thwarted, catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together with firebrands and releases them into the Philistines' corn supply. A real hero. He is captured, but god (who favors the clinically insane) gives him strength to snap the ropes that bind him, after which he kills 1.000 men with a "jawbone of an ass" (in our times, used rather morbidly - but at least slightly more peaceful - as a musical instrument, the quijada. Not for vegetarians). Killing is thirsty business, so when he asks god for a drink, god makes water pour forth from the jawbone. Seriously. Samson then "judges" (rules) Israel for 20 years.
One day in Gaza, while he's merrily humping away on a prostitute (yeeha!), some men try to ambush him by blocking the city gate. But for our affable Hulk, this poses no problem: he simply "took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders". What a guy. Cue sensual music: enter Dalilah, a curvacious bombshell sent by the Philistines to discover his secret strength. She easily seduces him (like many males, he's mainly an extended life support system for a dick) but 3 times in a row, he spins a yarn about the origin of his superpowers and all subsequent ambushes fail - Samson, not the most perspicacious of customers, never even noticing any connection there. Hairy oaf. Dalilah, assiduously nagging on, finally strikes gold: he reveals the secret lies in his long hair. During a (presumably post-coital) nap, she cuts off his mane attraction & signals her cronies. When the Philistines attack, he tries to fight them (not even noticing "the lord was departed from him" - apparently, god was in his hair, LOL) but is swiftly captured. His eyes are gouged out and he is bound to a grindstone in the prison house with "fetters of brass". Unfortunately, his torturers forget to keep his hair cropped, so slowly it grows back. At a public spectacle, bound between the pillars of a temple to be humiliated, he entreats the lord to help him, then pulls apart the temple pillars, killing himself and 3.000 men and women (jihad!).
After this rather spectacular & dramatic story, a short and incredibly insipid chapter about a certain Micah follows. He has some valuables, a Levite comes to him and is hired for a priest, some men see the valuables, return with a band of 600 men and steal them, taking the Levite with them. Bloodcurdling, isn't it.
Luckily, the last story of the book of Judges is again up to par with earlier tales of the macabre & ludicrous. A Levite marries a concubine from Beth-lehem-judah; she turns out to be quite a whore and deserts him, returning to her father. One day, when an old man is a guest at their house, some guys from the city, "sons of Belial", knock on the door and ask the old man to come out, as they want to fuck him (yikes). Exactly like Lot in Sodom, the father offers his daughter instead (double yikes; though hundreds of years later, bible morality's still a morass). These men do take up on the offer though and fuck & abuse her all night (sadly, another highly topical sorry story). When the woman finally manages to escape she ends up, nearly dead, at her former husband's door. You never guess what he did: "he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel". Seriously fucking disturbed. All the Israelites are scandalized and unite against Gibeah, where the rapists live (they are of the tribe of Benjamin - one of the 12 original tribes). On the first day of battle, 22.000 Israelites die (hah! bet you didn't see that coming, eh?). God tells them to resume fighting next day - another 18.000 die. On the 3rd day, they repeat the ruse of the siege of Ai by hiding a large army & sending in a small group who pretend to flee, enticing out the enemy. Again, the trick works well (these people were really abysmally stupid) - 25.100 (nice little touch, that 100 extra) enemies are killed, Gibeah is burned to the ground & another 20.000 men are killed. Only 600 enemies manage to escape to the wilderness, but after 4 months these too are hunted down & killed. And yes, obviously, on the way there the Israelites kill every man, woman & beast and set fire to every city they pass; what else did you expect? Such charming people; imagine having them for neighbours. No wonder the Middle East is fucked up. As all the women of the tribe of Benjamin have been slaughtered (in hindsight, perhaps a bit rash), there are now no more brides for them. The pressing pussy paucity is soon obviated however: the men go to Jabesh-gilead, slaughter all males & women and capture "400 young virgins" - little GIRLS, you sick pedophile fucks. That's not nearly enough brides for Benjamin's people though, so they also visit Shiloh and steal more girls; the complaining fathers are advised to be reasonable, as they "need" those girls for wives (oh well, that's all right then). This could almost be the story of Uganda's Joseph Kony and his pet project, the Lord's Resistance Army; yet another christian berserker who seems to have read these stories a bit too often but sadly neglected to read the disclaimer.